Pirates of the Cara Bean
by Chilibob
Summary: Will and Jack set of to find the sacred Cara Bean. On the way there they stop at the castle of the Lizard of Oz.
1. The Cara Bean

Pirates of the Cara Bean

Chapter One:

The Cara Bean

Once upon a time there was a Pirate named Captain Jack Sparrow. He was hilarious looking because of his face. His favorite pastime was drinking. His favorite things to drink are rum, rye, Mike's hard lemonade (was that invented back then?), and many many _many_ more things. Now you know Captain Jack Sparrow.

On this lovely Tuesday morning, Jack was on his way to the SSDPC (Super Secret Drunken Pirate Club). With him he brought rum and his non-pirate friend Will Turner. He brought Will Turner with him because he could sense that there was going to be a job assigned to him today and he didn't want to be alone.

Will didn't want to come so Jack had to pull him. Will wasn't very strong so pulling him was very easy. Also Will was ugly. He was so ugly that even the ugliest people in the world (Like Anna Nicole Smith) ran away after seeing him.

"But Jack!" said Will "I'm not a pirate! I'm too ugly to be a pirate!" he started to cry because he had just reminded himself how unattractive he is.

"Shut up Will! For goodness sake! Who cares if you're ugly! All the pirates except me are ugly! So you fit in! Even if you are uglier than the rest of them!" yelled Jack who was very attractive but only when he's a pirate and not when he's Willy Wonka or anybody else.

After much yelling and crying they finally walked through the doors of the SSDPC secret headquarters. It was in an oversized dumpster.

"ARG!" yelled all the pirates shielding they're eyes. Some of then started to cry in horror. "Why did you have to bring that hideous monster?"

Will started to cry and curled up in a ball in a corner of the dumpster room.

"Okay! Now that we've taken care of that we must assign Jack with the hardest mission we have just because we know he'll do it because we're to lazy!" said the leader who was named Billy Joe. Everybody said "Arg!" in Lazy delight.

Jack was busy staring at a very attractive ant and he didn't hear anything that had been said. "JACK!" screeched another pirate named Mike.

Jack looked up and smiled a very cute attractive smile. That made everybody smile and blush. I think they all had crushes on Jack but you never know with Pirates. A pirate named Tre broke the attractive silence.

"JACK! STOP HIPNOTIZING EVERYBODY WITH YOUR ATTRACTIVENESS!" roared Tre.

Jack looked down. "Sorry" he said

"Now." Said Billy Joe. "Jack. You're assignment is to go deep into the land of the munchkin's in search of a magical bean. This bean has a cursed name that shouldn't be said out loud but I will say it. It's called the… Cara Bean!"

Everybody except Jack (cause he was too attractive) and Will (because he was too ugly) gasped. And because it was cursed to say "Cara Bean" lightning came from the sky and hit Will.

"Ouch!" said Will. He then dropped dead. It didn't matter because Will had inherited immortal powers from his great great great (keep saying great for precisely fifteen minutes) grandfather Kenny from South Park.

Billie Joe gave Jack a map to the land of the munchkins. So Jack left the Dumpster dragging Will with him. Will was still crying.

"Why are you crying?" asked Jack avoiding looking at the repulsiveness of Will.

"Cause I'm ugly! I'm hideous! I'm unattractive! I'm disgusting!" cried Will

"Hey! On our way to the Cara Bean"(A giant metal man walked up to Will and punched him in the face) "we can visit the Lizard of Oz and ask him to make you handsome like me!" said Jack and he smiled his attractive smile. A group of teenage girls (and some guy's) screamed and fainted because he was so handsome.

Will stopped crying "Really? Hurray!" He yelled causing some nearby people to look at him and scream at his spitefulness and run away.


	2. The Lizard of Oz

Chapter Two:

The Lizard Of Oz

After five hour's of walking Jack and Will soon came to the castle were the Lizard of Oz lived. Will ran up to the door and got ready to knock on the door.

"WILL!" Jack yelled in horror "They will never let us in if they see you're ugliness! I'll knock! Then I'll go talk to the Lizard and you stay here and hide!" Will started to cry but he obeyed.

Jack knocked on the big Shiny Green door. "Ooooo! Shiny!" said Jack happily. A little man with big ears opened the door. The little man smiled at Jack's beauty.

"HAHAHAHA!" laughed Jack crazily "You have very large ears!" he continued to laugh.

For ten minutes Jack just stood laughing at the man's ears and the man just stood smiling at Jack's attractiveness. Will grew impatient and started to throw rocks at Jack and the man.

"What the- oh right Will!" said Jack "Hello mister…I came to see the Lizard! The wonderful Lizard of Oz! Will and me heard he is a Liz of a Liz if ever a Liz there was! If ever oh ever a Liz there was the Lizard of Oz is one because because because because because BECAUSE! Because of the wonderful things he does! I'm here to see the Lizaaaaaaaard! The wonderful Lizard of Ooooooooooooooooooooooozzzzzzz!" He then got hit in the head by another one of Will's rocks so he stopped saying Oz. He then smiled his best most attractive smile at the little big-eared man.

The little man blushed and said, "You're very attractive! Usually people aren't allowed to see the Lizard but since you're so good-looking I'll let you in! My name is Poneario!"

Poneario led Jack into the building up seventeen flights of stairs and to another big shiny door. Jack was so tired from climbing he almost passed out dead. You see Jack is very eye-catching but very out of shape. He thinks since he's so handsome he doesn't need exercise.

"He's right in there!" said Poneario "Call me gorgeous!" he left.

Jack passed out and slept for three hour. When he woke up he ate some lint that was at the bottom of his pocket and knocked on the door. A very ugly little munchkin man answered the door. He was even grosser than Anna Nicole Smith but not as ugly as Will Turner. Jack was blinded by his ugliness.

"ARG! I am blinded by you're unattractiveness!" yelled Jack shielding his poor attractive eyes. The little ugly man was blinded by Jack's attractiveness.

"AGGHHHH! I am blinded by you're attractiveness!" yelled the little ugly man shielding his ugly unattractive eyes.

For about half an hour they just stood they're screaming and shielding they're eyes. Suddenly one of Will's rocks flew through the window and hit them in the face.

"OUCH! That hurt more than you're unattractiveness!" said Jack "I'm cured! My eyes are immune to you're ugliness!" He smiled and started to dance attractively.

"That also hurt more than you're attractiveness!" said the ugly little man "I'm cured! My eyes are immune to you're good looks!" he smiled and started to dance unattractively.

After fifteen minutes of attractive and unattractive dancing seventeen rocks and a chunk of plaster came flying thought the window hitting the freakish men.

"Oh yeah! We are wasting time dancing! I must see the Lizard!" said Jack

"You came to see the Lizard?" asked the ugly little man

"I came to see the Lizard!" said Jack "The wonderful Lizard of Oz! I've heard he is a Liz of a Liz if ever a Liz there was! If ever oh ever-" he then got hit by a rock.

"Will's right! We're wasting time! Show me to the Lizard little ugly man!" said Jack

"My name is Oscar!" said Oscar the ugly little man. " Follow me!" he led Into a bedroom and to a glass aquarium. Inside was a lizard about the size of you arm (unless you've got freakishly long arm's like Ozzy Osborn)

"Lizard! I've come to ask you to make my ugly hideous friend as beautiful as I!" said Jack. The lizard just sat there and ate some pipe cleaner.

"Why won't he talk?" asked Jack

"Lizard's don't talk you freak!" yelled Oscar " For an extremely good-looking person you aren't at all smart! Now get out of my room and stop talking to my pet!"

"You mean he isn't magic? Then why does he have his own castle named after him? Why does he have his own theme song? Why is he known far and wide for his powers? Why does Orange juice have chunky pulp?" said Jack.

"Hmmm…" said Oscar thinking about it. "I really don't know! Good questions! Except for the Orange juice one. That was just meaningless."

"But I love Orange juice!" said Jack. He then left the castle so Oscar could think in privacy.


	3. Chapter 3

An Ugly and Handsome Waste of Time

Jack walked out of the castle and found Will who was sitting in a shrub eating his bootstrap

"Well mate. Unfortunately you're going to be ugly for life." Said Jack making Will cry. Will had been sitting in that same shrub for over five hours so he wasn't very happy at all. He took off all clothes and started stomping on them.

"ARG! ARG! AGGGHHH! HOLY CRAP HOLYY CRAP! HELP ME! HELP ME! ARG! AHHHGGGG!" screamed Jack protecting his eyes. As impossible as it sounds Will is even more hideous naked.

After letting all his anger out Will put on his clothes and Jack opened his eyes.

"Well! That was very sickening and nasty!" gasped Jack. "But that doesn't matter we must go find the Cara Bean!" A herd of wild Elephant-Roosters stampeded on top of Will and killed him temporarily.

"Get up Will you brainless dim-witted gruesome cow man!" yelled Jack hitting Will with a stick. " Come On! We must get to the land of the munchkins before it's too late!"

And so Jack and Will set out for the land of the munchkins. Suddenly Jack remembered that they were already in the land of the munchkins.

"Well duh!" said Jack to himself "That's why the people at the Lizard Castle were so short! That ugly man was right! I'm unintelligent!" he started to laugh at his stupidity.

"JACK!" wailed Will "STOP WASTING TIME! WE MUST SEARCH FOR THE CARA BEAN!"

"Good Idea! You're pretty smart Will! If you weren't so hideously ugly you could do great thing's with you're life!" said jack. He laughed at himself for some reason.

They soon came to a road.

"My God!" said Jack "It's the famous yellow brick road!"

Jack was very proud of himself. Nobody had been able to find the yellow brick road in many hundred years. Jack would be rich and famous. He could almost smell the cash flow now. He also could almost smell apple pie.

"Yum!" said Jack " Apple pie!"

"Jack you unintelligent nincompoop! This can not possibly be the famous yellow brick road!" yelled Will.

"Why not?" asked a curious Jack curiously.

"Because…" said Will matter-of-factly "It's brown and made of dirt! You've found nothing but a brown dirt road!"

"Oh! Well let's go then! We're wasting time!" said Jack and he started to sing in a beautiful attractive voice "Follow the brown dirt road!Follow the Brown Dirt Road. Follow, follow, follow, follow, Follow the Brown Dirt Road- Hey! Something's wrong here! Why isn't Will yelling at me to shut up?"

He looked over to were Will was and saw that Will wasn't even there. Jack screamed in utmost terror because he was attractively afraid of being alone on a brown dirt road deep in the land of the munchkins.

Jack would have started running around in circles like a headless chicken and screaming like a headless donkey but a big bag came onto his head and he was carried away by seven munchkins.

Jack giggled and said "This bag smells like my grandma,"


	4. CAKE!

The Cake Cave

Jack was dragged around in the bag by the seven munchkins for about 3 hours. Then the bag came of and he gasped at what he saw. He was in a cave that seemed to be entirely made of cake.

«Oh, this cave is entirely made of cake» said a voice.

«Who said that?» asked Jack happily. He had thought he had been the only person in this cave. Then he realized that somebody must have been there tot ake the bag off his head. He looked around but didnt see anybody.

«It's Will,» said the voice as if it was completely obvious. Jack looked around again.

«Are you invisible?» asked Jack.

«No, I am sitting on your head so I wont get my shoes dirty.» explained Will. Jack looked up and saw him.

«EEK!» screamed Jack standing up. Will fell off and broke his shoulder.

«OUUUAAHHCHH!» sobbed Will in a way that would brake your heart, juat so long as your eyes were closed.

«Stop that mouth moving William.» said Jack «We must eat a hole in the wall and escape!»

William had caught a dreadful desease in his shoulder when he fell so he was too sick to respond.

«I dont feel swell» commented Will

«MORE CAKE FOR ME THEN!» roared Jack . He then attacked the cake and ate it in big gulpy gulps.

William was turning a green shade of orange because of the desease he had. He also smelt of elastic bands and big squeeky noises kept emerging from his hair which had grown a grat deal. He also had a really brain numbing fever in his left leg. There were many weird deseases like that back in thouse days.

«Im almost out!» said Jack whose hole had almost reached outside.

«Hello? How are you? Seen any good shipwrecks lately?» said Will. Now the fever was scraambling his brains which I guess were in his left leg.

«Actually no, But thanks for asking.» answered Jack. He then Divesd back into the cake to continue his work.

«Oh well, im sure your casket hasnt diasapeared. Good god what is that tomato doing in my eye?» gasped Will. He was now having hallusinations. Then he passed out just as Jacks emerged outside.

«Hey!! I ate my way through!» he said very cutely. He then walked off without realizing that Will had passed out. He hadnt even realized Will had been sick at all.

The end, of this chapter.


End file.
